Quick Bite: Turning Towards Conflict
Conflict gets a bad reputation in most cases. It's viewed as “bad,” hurtful, scary, and so on.
It is none of those things — those are opinions we have, based on what we're taught, our environments, etc.
As soon as I remember that those opinions are my projections, I can start to see conflict for what it is: just conflict.
Identify
Just a quick thought is needed. Some alert or notice to yourself. “Whoop, here's some conflict, some challenge.” Don't dwell on it.
Make Space Immediately
Let it be! Make it easier on yourself and allow the coNflict to be there. Don't ignore it, fear it, or wish it away. It's fine. Make room inside yourself for conflict, it's okay.
Breathe
It's surprisingly easy to forget to breathe. When our nervous system is triggered, shoulders tense up, the neck tightens, the torso readies itself for a fight/flight/freeze response. Breathing slowly and calmly helps restore balance and makes you feel human again.
Face It
Calmly, and without emotion, engage with it. To take the teeth out of it, take out the scary emotion and focus on the facts. I try some of these in my head or on paper/computer/etc:
Make a list of everything scary about the conflict
Make a list of the problem(s) that have come up
What are you feeling? What do you think others involved are feeling?
What can you change? What can you affect?
Did I remember to breathe?
I have feelings, the other people in conflict probably do too — can I respect/honor that?
What can I do that is realistic, earnest, and meaningful to ease the situation?
Conflict is not “bad”
It takes a lot of practice, but it helps me to remember that conflict isn't “bad”, it just “is.” It's my feelings, thoughts, experiences that have labeled it as “bad.” So can I let those feelings be, and focus on what is the reality: something has come up that needs some care and attention, and then I can move on.
It Does End
Like getting splashed by a wave of water, eventually the conflict and bad feelings go away. We know this is true — we only carry it around as long as we allow ourselves to. Instead, remember that like the waves, you will always eventually dry off and be ready for the next events. All things come and go, good and bad, the sun rises and sets. You're gonna do great!
