Deep Listening: Stop Thinking About It
The hardest and most important step:
Don't think about it at all!
When I first started trying out active or deep Listening, I read a lot about how my body language communicated my intent, my attention. So naturally, I started thinking, “Do I look attentive?” “Do I seem interested?” “Does my appearance make the other person feel good or reassured?”
I did this during conversations! OOPS!
Thinking about deep listening during a conversation means you're not doing it.
I had to stop worrying about how I appeared because it didn't matter - I was paying attention to the wrong thing.
Ever try thinking about HOW to really ride a bicycle while you’re doing it? I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t go so well. So just ride the bike.
How do I reel myself back in?
I start repeating what the person is saying in my mind, or I paraphrase them out loud. These are two mindful ways to bring myself back to the present moment and stay engaged.
When you focus on your counterpart(s) in conversation and listen deeply, it turns out you don't have to worry at all about how you look: you will always look the “right way” for you when you just do it.
Some Final Thoughts
Body language is a real thing, I think. We send messages all the time, on some level, that are either noticed or not in the subconscious. But I’m not a brain surgeon.
But I see how misplaced my intent was — I was trying to address the “side effects” in order to maintain a welcoming appearance instead of simply doing the thing I needed to do.
It’s totally fine to pay attention to body language and other non-verbal cues you give off, just remember that if you’re not deeply listening, then you’re simply not deeply listening.
