Deep Listening Tips

Here are some of the many tools I use during conversations to help others feel safe and heard.

1 - Listen carefully.

Listen and hear what the person is saying. I have to sometimes repeat in my head what is being said to make sure I’m following.

2 - Paraphrase often, with safety.

This is a key facet, and feels weird at first. I phrase this like “Okay let me put that into my words and you tell me how close I am or not” and I paraphrase what I heard. When you do, use phrases such as “It sounds like” or “It seems like” or “What I thought I heard”. This is more skillful than “You sound…” or “You are acting like…” Those phrases aren’t bad, but carry the risk of putting your counterpart on the defensive.

3 - Apply labels as needed.

With #2 above, and somewhat in opposition to my philosophy, use labels like “exciting”, “concerned”, “angry”, etc. I’m not a label fanatic, but it does help put some concreteness and reality around a topic, and if you’re wrong, they’ll tell you!

4 - Forget non-verbals.

I love studying non-verbal behaviors, there is great writing on this topic. But forget it. Don’t try to look attentive, just be attentive. Don’t try to look interested, be interested. I found I obsessed over how I looked and got more disconnected from the conversation. Oops!

5 - Indicate your attention.

If you are in-person or video, it’s fine to maintain eye contact or nod, or just listen. More importantly, it’s helpful nso show attention if not in-person. For example, when I’m doing a 1-1 meeting with someone new, I explain where my notes are on my screen, where the camera is, and assure them as my eyes move around I’m not working an email or shopping online.

If on the phone, when I anticipate a long body of speech from someone, I’ve said “I’m going to be quiet for a while so you have space to talk. I’ll clear my throat or cough or whatever to make a noise just so you know we aren’t disconnected. But the floor is yours.”